My Virgin Chronicles

#818

So Drake and I are over, and I don’t even give a shit. I don’t even believe that I will ever see him again. It is a relief to be done with STD scares and shit like that. Life is going pretty well, but I kinda fucked up when I made out with this guy named Kevin. The problem lies in the fact that my roommate and I both thought he was cute, but I told them that they would be cute together and stuff like that. I was tipsy. But the next time we hung-out, my roommate was not there and Kevin and I ended up kissing a little. The next day when I told her about my night, I left out the part where we kissed. I don’t know why I didn’t just tell her. It was pretty shitty on my part. We had a little fight, but I think my roommate and I understand each other better and I feel already closer to her. Maybe a blessing in disguise?

But that’s not even what this post is mainly about. It is mainly about the fact that I may—or may not— be talking to a soap star.

So this all goes down when my friend showed me a Facebook fan page of a guy named Texas Battle (Yes. I am being for real here). Apparently he was on the soap, The Bold and the Beautiful and now does a show called Death Valley on MTV. Either way I didn’t think anything would happen when I sent him this message.

“Hi, are you ever in Austin, Texas? I am a virgin and I would like to do you. In Texas.”

But, the next thing I know, a month later, I get a response…

TEXAS BATTLE: “Im always in Austin. Thats my Alumn. Next time Im out there is in late March, early April. Got the Spring Game coming up. Very bold statement from you. lolol. Do it in Austin Texas, to Texas, who is from H-Town in Texas, where you are from Texas as well. U wild for that one. If I was that dude, who didnt give a shit, or cared, or even cherished a Virgin, I would gladly have taken you up on this offer. As cute, and adorable as you is, Im just not that dude, and I couldnt do that to someone who is still pure like that. Especially without even knowing you. You’ve obviously been saving yourself for something. I think thats real cool, you still are, unless your just playing with me, with that comment. lolol When I get to Austin, ill hit you and maybe i can say whats up to ya. Get to see what your about, who you are…and dont you dare think for one second, that Im soft on that gay shit, I just have to, must watch my own back now a days. Protect myself feel me…leave ya contact, ill hit you on there. im on facebook like once or twice a month. no time usually… sorry for getting back so late. have good rest of weekend. Texas Battle already”

WHOA. MIND BLOWN. Here is the rest of the conversation:

VIRGIN: “Oh my god. Lol. So first off I just want to apologize. My friend Isabel and I think you are really sexy and I really didn’t think this was even really you (I mean if it is). We were just being ridiculous and it turned into a dare, and I never say no to a challenge. Haha secondly, I am a virgin, I don’t know what I am waiting for, I just know I have not found it yet. Thirdly, I am from Houston too! And finally, I don’t think anything you said to me in that message was gay, but really sweet, as cheesy as I am being right now.

Again, I am SO sorry about how inappropriate that message was, but I hope it gave you a good laugh. Hope I can hear from you.

713.240.9713

Joanne”

TEXAS BATTLE: “I understand. I can see the small mix up. Thnk u for not taking my message as cheesy. Haha I surely don’t think u are either.. We that said, yes this is really me
“Texas Battle” and me only… We do have a lot in common thus far, and since ur from my town, and go to my Alumni, I really have to be honest and say “u got my attention”. U being a Virgin to me, is a blessing in itself. Very rare, and very much respected.. Take ur time on that, I’m sure u already know..a lot of wack dudes out there. I’ll be hitting u up or texting u from a 818 or 512 number ok. I’ll leave a message if I don’t get u on the phone if I call. I ask only one thing from u please, and that’s to please please please, keep my number private, to urself for me…thnk u Joanne.. Tell ur friend that dare she did, was actually a good one, cause it did get my attention. I scheme through messages and urs popped out… talk soon. Hook’em Horns

Oh dam. Almost forgot. I will ask from u to send me a current picture of u, when I text/before i call, just to verify its really u ok. I will do the same after…”

VIRGIN: “Of course, I fully respect your privacy. That’s my number, but I will definitely send a picture. Hope you had a good weekend, gotta get back to studying now. Talk to you soon.”

My roommate looked up what area code 818 and this is what she found “818 is the area code for Glendale, San Fernando, Burbank, and Northern Los Angeles Suburb, California.” I am dying. My friend is dying. He is so hot. But he is also 35…

Virgin Out.

#asexual

I legitimately gave Drake a chance. For once, I gave a guy a chance because I was convinced he could change. Hanging out with him the past two weeks was weird, because besides a little kissing, we did not do anything else physical—except cuddling. We NEVER cuddle. I felt like I was his girlfriend emotionally, and then he would go out and bang some other chick. And I deserve better. He posted a status about Valentine’s Day and how he wanted to ask some girl to be his Valentine. Is it so bad that I kinda wanted it to be me? But I should have listened to my logical side—that EVERY girl he was seeing probably thought it was her and this is his way of keeping us all interested. The last straw was last night when he asked me what I was doing and I said staying in. I invited him over to watch a movie, and he said yes. But then after I showered and texted him, he did not respond until almost an hour later and said he did not see my text. He was already out. Ending the conversation with “Goodnight gorgeous” is not going to make everything all better. It was like I was slapped in the face by my conscience and I realized that I only wanted to like him because I wanted to have someone, and he has REALLY nice arms. But in reality, I would not want my friends to meet him, and I would rather die than him meet my family. So I think it’s safe to say I woke up and realized that it really is not meant to be.

On the positive side, I lost 4 pounds since Thursday! The half marathon is in exactly a week. If I can lose 6 pounds by then I will be ecstatic! My goal is to lose about 20 pounds. If I accomplish this goal, I am finally gonna get my tattoo. I am feeling really energized and ready to hit the books. Two exams on Valentine’s Day. But I have two great dates. My roommates. I am thinking a bottle (or two) of Moscoto and a chick-flick.

Virgin Out.  

#heightismydownfall

I love being tall. I really do. But I go downtown, without heels mind you, and it’s like… short men central, or something. I feel like every guy I meet is about an inch to three shorter than me, and let me tell you, it’s getting old. I met this guy through a friend downtown, who I think is pretty cute, and, of course, he is about two inches shorter than me. He got my number and we texted for a bit the next day. Eh, we’ll see how it goes. I don’t really forsee a bright future. BUT, on the brightside, New Year’s Resolution is semi-working…. I didn’t makeout with him. I am in my evolution class and the one cute guy that I see is… short.

By the way, apparently telling someone you want to be just friends… means we should continue to hook up. Over the break I did not talk to any of my “old” guys (after New Year, naturally). I did not respond to texts from Drake, Jerry, or the football player. When I got back to school, I did like one of Drake’s pictures though (he looked really good…). He texted me within 30 minutes. I told him straight up that we should just be friends. Direct quote:

Drake: Hey there..

Virgin: Hi

Drake: Where are you at

Virgin: I’m in Austin

Drake: And so why haven’t you contacted me!! Lol

Virgin: Haha I have been studying and school starts tomorrow!

Drake: Lol then I wanna see you soon!!

Virgin: I really don’t think we should be hooking up anymore. I like you a lot, but I just want to focus on school and get back into shape that I used to be in. And I’m not just saying that, I really hope that we can be friends and just hangout.

Drake: Lol yea def that’s cool!

End Quote.

Could I BE more clear? He then begins to text me asking what I am doing Thursday night, Friday night, and Saturday night. He texts me this:

Drake: Oh ok my homeboy has a hotel room on 4th we gonna prefame there the Dt..

IS THAT AN INVITATION? I don’t assume things, but I am pretty sure that is an invitation to “prefame” with him and his friends. Saturday night we never met up, but he tried to come over to my place. Haha. Fool. People always want what they can’t have.

Virgin Out.

#newyearnewmen

Happy New Year!

It’s been a longtime since I updated, pretty much because I have been so lazy and watching way too much television. By the way, new obsessions are White Collar and 2 Broke Girls.

But before I go on, I need to update on a peculiar situation that happened before I left college. You remember Jerry, right? He was the one that was fuck buddies with my good friend, and me, being the attention whore that I am, indulged him in his FB messages to me and texts. Once I texted him first because I was drunk off my ass and thought I was texting Drake back… which now all makes sense as to why Drake was confused the next day.

I ended up having dinner with that girl, and she was telling me how she thinks Jerry found a new girl. Oh. My. God. I am NOT the new girl. I had to tell her. So I told her that he has been texting/messaging me. She said she thought it was funny and didn’t care. But I know she cares. And this is why.

The next morning (pretty sure I am still drunk at this point) I wake up to 2 missed calls and 2 text messages from Jerry. I do not respond or call back. I also have a text from my friend. She was basically like, “I know you have been talking to Jerry, I won’t be upset if you just tell me the truth, have you been texting him first…” I am like what the fuck? Even IF I was texting him first, why would she care? She is over him right? And I will never do anything with him. I am just an innocent attention whore, ok? So I text her back saying that I never texted him first. I can show her the text messages. She said he showed them to her. I look through my texts with my roommate and he started every text. I text her that I am looking through them and I definitely only respond. She told me that he probably deleted some so he would look better and that he “proudly” showed her the texts. If so… That’s FUCKED up.

Let’s just say that he might have had a EXTREMELY slim chance. Now he has none. Boys suck.

But it’s a New Year and a time for New Men. Let the party begin!

#finalstookawaymyvirginity

Nothing interesting has been happening to me… they are but minor details. I’m just trying to survive finals. But every time I look at organic chemistry problems, all I can think about is makingout. It’s pretty bad. I have 24 hours till this exam. At least I have my bff is here with me! And soon some cute guys that I have completely platonic relationships with… yay….

One of them I actually kinda like, but I can tell he is into white, blonde chicks… and I am neither. Although when I see him, I feel like he could be interested in me. But that’s a flirt, we have always been flirty. Maybe we will go get some drank after our final. I’ll inquire.

School is draining me and I can’t wait till Monday comes around. I really just want to makeout and get drunk. Story of my life, right? Damnit why is Justin Beiber always freaking on my Pandora station?!?!

Virgin out.

#winner

Today is a beautiful day and I am no longer sick! I told myself I would start training for that marathon as soon as I got better, so today I ran. Those 4 miles were brutal, but I am proud of myself for not stopping, or taking the 3 mile route. The first mile made me want to turn around and run back. By the time I got to the third mile though, my muscles were fully warmed and I got into my runner’s high. The best high that a person can self-induce.

You know that guy that I told him I liked him and he started getting involved with another girl? Yeah he decides that he’s done with her and wants to talk to me. For real? I don’t think so. But I am no longer afraid to tease and string him along.

The day got better when I went to flag football. I talked to my flag football crush for like 5 minutes. I can’t help but think he is so yummy and I wish I could bite him. Not in a vampire way, just a damn-you-fine kind way.

Drake and I are done. For real this time. I just can’t be with a guy that has been with 25 other women. It’s going to be sad, but my sister is right, I can’t meet anyone new with him there to be my safety net. Plus I have images with him with other women. I swear his count went up from 24 to 25. I can’t. It’s too gross. I am not getting an STD from him.

Virgin Out.

#rihannaforthewin

So, it has been a while. But let me tell you, those late nights of studying and then more drunken late nights has finally caught up. I AM DYING. My throat hurts, my body aches, my head is pounding, and I can’t find my glasses. I still have so much work to do too. It’s right now that I would like some male attention, but of course, it is right now that I would never receive it. BUT on the plus side, I am over my depressed/sad/hormonal stage. I drank three nights straight. After three all-nighters. I honestly cannot wait to get out of this city for a while. 

This red hair is doing wonders for me, especially downtown. I am definitely going to be a red head for a while. 

Situation #1: I am walking out of this bar when I see a cute guy I met though mutual friends. I quickly avert my eyes, but I brush up against him so that I get his attention (remember him). As I do that, I get the attention of another boy, one who stops me to tell me I am his neighbor. I have a huge thing for Persian guys, and what else could he be, but Persian. He lives two doors down from me and recognizes me. And he wants to buy me and my friend a drink, but the dumb blonde chick that I hate that works in my apartment building is dragging him off. I see him on later night, but by that time I am with these British guys. 

Situation #2: So they guy whose attention I meant to get is now staring at me. After Persian neighbor boy leaves, I tun my head to make brief eye contact, and he smiles. Why, hello. I had forgotten how massively tall he is (such a turn on). I said “Hey” (you know, in the way that you say hey when you remember someone, but you don’t know from where, but of course I knew exactly where I knew him from). We start talking about how we know each other. We “discover” it’s through his roommate and then we start talking about classes. My sober friend told me it was not my imagination and indeed he did seem interested. Point Virgin. Only difference since the last time I saw him? Red hair.

Situation #3: It was downtown and I was leaving the bar (right after being asked my address because, let’s face it, my fake looks NOTHING like me, especially with red hair. Totally stuttered out the address and was let in.), when this really cute black guy comes up to me, calls me Rihanna, twirls me, and tries to kiss me. I tell him that I don’t kiss men who don’t introduce themselves to me. He said his name is Josue and then proceeds to to twirl me again, and I let him kiss me on the cheek. Two steps later, some guy yells RIHANNA! 

Omg headache is getting worse and some amazing girls are coming over to bring me soup!

Virgin Out.

#icanchangemynametojoan

So remember that cute guy on my flag football team I had a crush on? Yeah well we practiced on Sunday. It was a lot of fun! I scored a touchdown… It’s because my crush threw the ball to me. We were meant to be together. When he looks into my eyes I get butterflies. Okay, I am exaggerating, it is not that intense, but I definitely feel something. He is SO cute. It’s not that he is hot, he is just a really nice, sweet guy with an amazing set of abs. Yeah. I definitely looked when he lifted his shirt to wipe his face. Like three times.

While we are huddling (I wish cuddling), he calls me Joan. I instinctively am sad because he has forgotten my name. I mean, it’s close, but just not right. And I am not gonna stop his telling us the plays to correct him. But at the end of the day, when we had finished our game, he came up to me and told me good job. He said good job Joan. But then…. he looked at me, kinda squinted, and was like, wait, it’s Virgin right? And my heart almost stopped. YES! I play it off cool though, saying that my name is two syllables. He laughs, says sorry, and then asks me if I watch Mad Men. I tell him no, and he says that he is in love with a girl named Joan on that show. Fuck it, I am changing my name. I then go one to ask him if she has red hair, he looks at me says yeah, and that adorable smile creeps up on his face again. I just dyed my hair red. Really red.

Joan in real life is Christina Hendricks. Christina is 5’8” and 155 pounds. Virgin is 5’9” and 160 lbs. Chrisitina is a 39DD, Virgin is a 34DD. Not the same. But close. So very damn close.

Virgin Out.

#timetoquiteschoolandbecomeastripper

It is one of those moments. The ones were I just want to makeout. Bad. Like I am considering texting Drake. Yeah. This is why I need a new friend-with-benefits-except-not-benefits-because-all-we-do-is-makeout thing. And I still have not finished physics lab. FAIL. UGH. SEXUALLY FRUSTRATED. But, I still have no desire to go out and drink, weird. I thought that feeling would pass.

There is something so comforting about the Food Network. I wish I was at kitchen stadium. Anyways I am gonna stare at my lab notebook some more.

Virgin Out.

#evenmoreconfusedthanever

So, Drake is confusing me even more. He wants to now take me to a movie. I, however, do not have time because tonight, I will be pulling an all-nighter for an exam. Damn. Also, I don’t know how many times I have told him I can’t do scary movies. He wanted to watch Paranormal Activity IV or whatever one just came out. Dumbass. I really wish I could read minds. Or he would just tell me if we are just fooling around or if he wants something. I just cannot for the life of me see him wanting the second choice. I don’t want the second choice. At least, not with him.

The football player is being a little fuckstick. He is now calling back my roommate, also the girl through whom we met, and asking her to hit him up. What the fuck. This is NOT Burger King, you CANNOT have it your way, and you WILL NOT have anything on the menu. He knows we tell each other everything. I told him this. Dumbass. 

On the plus side, I practiced throwing the football around with my friend on Tuesday night. I actually learned to throw the ball. And she thinks I am good. HELL YES. I love being good at things. It is completely fulfilling. 

I don’t even want to talk about my diet. I got my period and attacked food. It was not cute and it was not civilized. 

There is nothing more really I can say. All I know is that I am tired as shit and I have 7 chapters to read. 

Virgin Out.

#ihaveareallyniceass

So dieting was not very good today. But I was stressed out with an exam. But I will be good tomorrow. Drake messaged me on Facebook today telling me my butt (that he took a picture of… calm down, I have on underwear) is his phone wallpaper. OMG. I actually really like my ass, like it is the one part of my body I do like. I go on to text him I want to do something fun. He asks me what. I have to be a tease, so naturally I say sex. His response? I’m on my way. Haha. I don’t know how I feel about him. He doesn’t ask me for sex anymore (which I think is kinda sweet), but he still wants to come over (the drive is like 20 miles), and he will come over whenever I want. He invites me to parties to meet his friends and he wants me to meet his best friend. I am so confused, do players do that? Also, he is basically the only guy I am legitimately talking to. 

What happened?!? SCHOOL. I have no time to do anything anymore.

Tomorrow I will add in running to the diet. Hopefully go back to weights Wednesday or Thursday. I also need to tan. Getting a little pasty. What I need the most is sleep, so I am going to call it a night.

Virgin Out.

#mylifeisamarathon

Last night made it official. I’m done with drinking/partying… for a while. I am sick of boys. I am sick of feeling fat because I have not legitimately worked out in about 2 months. I’m tired. Physically. Last night I was completely sober. I just did not want to drink. I felt ugly.

I am signed up to run the marathon in February. I will be happy if I can run 5 miles right now. I want to get back into shape. I miss being athletic. I miss being able to be like fuck yeah, I’ll run 13 miles right now. Summer is over and I need to focus on school and health. I never thought I would feel this way. Ever. But here goes. I start my diet today. I need to lose 20 pounds by the time the marathon comes around. Even my roommate was like I see a change in you. I am simply not enthusiastic to drink and makeout with random guys.

Drake texted me last night to come over at like 3 in the morning. I straight up lied and “drunk-texted” him back saying that a bunch of girls were crashing at my place. I have shit to do today. I cant be hooking up right now. My life is too crazy busy right now. I have got to take care of myself.

Virgin Out.

#willneverfindprincecharming

I want a boyfriend. It is that time in my fucked up cycle that I get all mushy and I like… go cry in a corner and cut myself. We all have it. Even guys. Guys have cycles. And they get so moody. Especially the cook at the restaurant that I work in. Luckily he has a crush on me and so I get away with anything, but still. Moody as fuck.

I just don’t want to do any work. I am tired. Drake texted me the other day. He called me sweetheart. You know how I feel about pet names (if not, refer to the previous post). I think I will have him come (haha, pun intended) over tomorrow after lab. Kinda horny. You know, in the virgin way. I actually don’t even want to kiss him. I just want to be held. Definitely that time in my cycle. I feel this way whenever I see my sister and her boyfriend. Watch, in two days I will be like “damn I’m glad I am single.” How do I attend one of the largest universities and I just don’t find anyone that makes my stomach fill with butterflies or my cheeks flush (or in my case, just get hot because I am brown and don’t change colors).

Jerry messaged me via facebook. He is cute and I know he wants a girlfriend. I just don’t do leftovers. He wants to watch a movie. He wanted me to come over tonight. I kinda wanted to. Thank God for lab reports, right? I just want this lab to be done with so I can sleep. Or see Drake. Or just do both.

Virgin Out.